Journal Series No. 4


“How do we know what’s right for us? Every shrink, every career counselor, every Disney princess knows the answer: “Be yourself.” “Follow your heart.”

Only here’s what I really, really want someone to explain to me. What if one happens to be possessed of a heart that can’t be trusted–? What if the heart, for its own unfathomable reasons, leads one willfully and in a cloud of unspeakable radiance away from health, domesticity, civic responsibility and strong social connections and all the blandly-held common virtues and instead straight toward a beautiful flare of ruin, self-immolation, disaster?…If your deepest self is singing and coaxing you straight toward the bonfire, is it better to turn away? Stop your ears with wax? Ignore all the perverse glory your heart is screaming at you? Or…is it better to throw yourself head first and laughing into the holy rage calling your name?”


You are driving down a windy road and it’s 3 A.M. and you are blaring Nirvana and you want to rip your heart out and let the coyotes get to it. You pull over and your knees are knocking together and you stifle back a sob. Looking out at the full moon through your windshield, you wonder how you allowed your life to get to the point it is now. The forest on the side of the road is looming and howling and full of life in the night, and you wish you could morph into something with hind legs, claws, and sharp teeth because your entire life you have always been a sheep.


Is there cowardice in emotion? Is there weakness? Because I love you, does that make me vulnerable? They say be careful of the ones you love, because they’ll be the one’s to kill you.


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